Waiting for Daylight
Whenever Jake first awoke, he rolled onto his right side to peer at the small gap between the curtains and the sill of the bedroom window. At first, all that mattered was determining if he saw light spilling through the slit. Darkness meant the night still stretched before him, hours separating tomorrow from becoming today. If he detected light, he stared harder to process either a muted or piercing shade of blue, gauging how close the morning was. But the darkness was always safe.
This morning, it was not only the turquoise streaks inching towards his mattress that caused him to rise abruptly. The space next to him in the bed was empty. He padded down the hall, passed the twins’ room, and descended one floor. Susannah was sitting at the kitchen table hunched over a laptop, surrounded by open envelopes and scattered papers. Her face looked pale bathed in the light from the screen.
“Darling, are you feeling sick?” said Jake.
“I haven’t felt sick since the first three months,” said Susannah without looking up. Jake reached her and bent over to place a light kiss on her forehead.
“Then why up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d take care of some things before the kids are awake.”
“And is this one awake?” said Jake, whispering into her ear. He rested a hand on her stomach.
Susannah rolled her eyes. “She’s always awake.” She prodded the screen with her finger. “We’ll have to budget another two hundred dollars a month for diapers and formula. I haven’t included the hospital costs yet.”
“It will be fine.”
“Will it?”
“Of course.”
“Things are already tight.”
Jake had moved over to the counter and was reaching for a mug. “There are other towns we could live in.”
“You want to get farther from the city?”
“There are towns nearby. With much lower taxes.”
“And much worse schools.” Susannah tapped at her keyboard. “Maybe we can talk to your parents about helping out. You know, a little more regularly.”
“You know they have their own troubles to worry about.”
“Sure,” said Susannah. “It’s just funny, five us here with only three bedrooms. And that big house with four bedrooms, just for the two of them.”
“Susannah.”
“Jake.” But she was looking up at him now, a faint smile playing across her lips. They held each other’s gaze, allowing their eyes to linger on one another for the final moments of quiet in the morning.
Jake broke the silence. “I’m meeting with Roger today.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
Susannah pushed back from the table and stood up. Her smile broadened. “I can make breakfast,” she said.
“I’m ok. I’ll miss the train.”
“Then I can make dinner.”
“Dinner,” agreed Jake. They shared a kiss before they said goodbye.
***
The drive to the train station was less than ten minutes. For sixty dollars a month Jake was allowed to park his car at all hours. The morning was crisp, and the air felt closer to the winter behind than the summer ahead. Jake got on at the line’s penultimate and spent eighty-seven minutes riding the morning commuter. Exiting the station upon arrival was the most difficult part of the process. Packed in on all sides, it was not possible to turn backwards or spring forwards, only to plod along at the permitted cadence with the hope that you would eventually surface.
His desk was in one corner of a box shaped cubicle. Two of the spaces sat vacant, occupied infrequently by visiting colleagues. His coworker sat at the other; he did not turn to acknowledge Jake’s entrance.
“Happy Tuesday, Howard,” said Jake, removing his coat.
“It ain’t Tuesday and it ain’t happy,” said Howard. He swiveled around. “I’m kidding, it is Tuesday.” Howard was a round man with a red face. He was completely bald except for a horseshoe of greying hair around the sides and back of his head. It was rare if he showed kindness but there was not a mean fiber in his body. Jake and Howard spent a lot of time together and got along so well because they had no pretense of maintaining a real friendship.
Jake had an hour to kill before his meeting. A few minutes before ten, he left wordlessly and walked across the floor to the corner office. The door was open and Roger was on the phone, or at least pretending to be. He waved him in. They greeted each other and shook hands.
“How are things over on the marketing side, Jake? I’m glad we got you over there, pre-sales can get a little technical.” Jake moved to respond but Roger kept talking. “Another step in a great journey for us, Jake. How long have we worked together for, five years?”
“Coming up on seven.”
Roger whistled. “Time sure flies. Well Jake, as you know we’re here to discuss your compensation. And I understand that discussion is long overdue.” Roger continued without inviting a response. “I know you have been waiting for clarity regarding your situation. Today, I have to tell you in this appraisal round, you will not have a raise.”
Roger paused, allowing the words to settle. Here was a first invitation for Jake to offer an opinion, which he declined.
“As you know Jake, last year was a difficult one for the company. The official policy for this year is no salary adjustments, with exceptions made for employees transferring into a new role. Now, you could argue that this applies to yourself, but your change of departments is being considered as a parallel move.”
“A parallel move?”
Roger rolled up a sleeve and took a drink of water. Sunlight streaming through the window reflected off the silver band of his wristwatch as he lifted the glass. He was trying hard to conceal any sign of enjoyment from the interaction.
“Look Jake, I think marketing could be very good for you. You’ve got a lot of room to run there. Plus you got that bump eighteen months ago. I’m just glad we’re still here fighting together. I mean, we’ve had to lose some good people. You remember Ronnie, right?”
Jake held Roger’s gaze for a moment. He and Ronnie had been close friends. They talked for years about leaving the company together, how they would do it, when was the right time. Then Jake got transferred and Ronnie got let go. That was six months ago.
Howard was waiting for him when he returned to his desk.
“What’s the matter kid? You look like somebody pissed in your cheerios.”
Jake sat down at his desk. The two men faced their screens with their backs to each other.
“It’s a bad economy, Jake.”
“Is it?”
“Sure it is. Sure it is.”
“Roger asked me if I remember Ronnie,” said Jake.
Howard snorted. “Jerk off.”
The two men clicked in silence for a few minutes before Jake turned around.
“Howard, I was just thinking…”
But Howard raised the back of his hand to interrupt him. “Don’t think, Jake. Don’t think.”
***
Jake stood on the crowded train home. After thirty minutes, he passed the town where he grew up, where his parents still lived. Commuters were alighting, opening space in the car. He leaned his forehead against the glass pane of the doors as the train raced forward, the world rushing by. What separated him from the rest of the world? Just a thin pane of glass.
He felt a light tap on his shoulder and peeled his forehead away. A young girl stood before him wearing a plaid pants suit. She couldn’t have been much older than twenty-two. He stared at her blankly.
“I’m sorry,” she began. “It’s just that I think it’s your stop coming up. I wasn’t sure if… I thought I recognized you. I mean there aren’t many people left on the train…. And sometimes I see you…”
As she spoke Jake regained his bearings. “You’re right, you’re right. This is my stop coming up. Thank you.”
The girl looked relieved.
“You work in the city?” asked Jake.
“Yes, I just started in the New Year.” She could not hold back a wide smile. Jake returned it.
“Wonderful, that’s great.” He shouldered his bag that was resting at his feet as the train pulled into the station. “Thanks again. I’ll see you on the train.”
He rode the escalator up and crossed a concrete bridge that spanned the two tracks, descending onto the inbound platform. The evening air had warmed and was thick with a breeze that carried the taste of a storm. Jake stood on the outer edge of the platform facing the parking lot, stuck behind the line where the pavement changed like Shoeless Joe at the edge of the Field of Dreams. He stepped back and saw that the next train towards the city arrived in seven minutes. In three quarters of an hour he would be in his hometown. He waited until he boarded with the doors closed to tell his father to meet him at the station. Then he told Susannah he would be late for dinner.
***